1)How do I get rid of my acne? It isn't bad enough to pay to see a Doctor, but in my mind I have freaking leprosy. I think Like I don't have enough physical deficiencies without cystic fucking acne.
2)Why don't I like my job? It isn't my boss (even though it would be excellent to blame it all on him); he is actually quite pleasant the majority of the time. It isn't the hours, or the work, or anything like that. Perhaps my unexplained disdain for my work place is manifesting itself in giant, painful red pimples on my face that I cannot help but pick at constantly.
3)Why do I live so far away from my freaking family? They are the only people with whom I feel unafraid to love and be loved. I am TERRIFIED with everyone else, convinced I will do something, say something and then *poof* love dissipates like steam on a mirror.
and the most important questions is this...
4) What is it like to love someone? How do you do it without hurting them, hurting yourself? I would tell myself the answer... that you cannot. But that is not easy enough for me today. Everything... every aspect of one's self goes into the act of loving: the emotional self, of course, but what about the political self, the career-oriented self, the spiritual self, the physical self... all of these involved in the act of love. What is it really? The only answer I can think of (which is just not easy enough) is that love is chaos. But how do you love people who don't understand this? Perhaps this is the big question... how do you love someone who thinks you aren't supposed to hurt them? Because I'm going to. And each time I will be sorry and I will repent and I will try my hardest to do right... but someday I will hurt you while trying to do right. And those people who don't understand, their love will go *poof* and though I know logically that perhaps that person doesn't want my love, love is chaotic enough to not understand who is deserving of it.
Since I can't have easy answers, all I want is a pair of brown pants that fit me and are the right length. Please... I just want a pair of brown pants.
