I have been going through a phase lately where, for some reason or another, I am jealous of everyone I know. Because they have more money than I do. Because they are thinner. Because they have a freer diet. Because they are not subject to debilitating periods of guilt and self-hatred. Because they are attractive. Because they have straight hair. Because they can accept things the way they are without judgment. Because they have a fitted wardrobe. Because they are going home for Thanksgiving. You name it, I am jealous of it.
Now, it is all well and good to tell your friends you feel jealous of them but the thing is that usually whatever you feel jealous of them for is something they can rationalize away. For example, I'm thinner because I work out more, I just am not as expressive about my self-hatred, I am NOT that attractive, I wish I had curly hair etc. So to tell a person you feel jealous of them, doesn't really make anyone feel any better. In fact, the other person looks like an idiot for not appreciating what they have, while you just feel enraged that they can have something so fantastic and not appreciate it.
But what my jealously comes down to is my own life. It doesn't really have anything to do with how my friends handle money or sex or beauty or food, but how I feel about how I handle these things. I perpetuate this terrible cycle in which everything I do amounts to absolutely nothing. There are people who have made better financial choices than me, but right now, I am piecing together the foundation of my adult relationship to money. I make less mistakes now than I did a year ago, and I am proud of this. And the real truth is, I find myself nice to look at and for all my flaws and failures, I am trying to be good and I think that, sometimes, this is all we can say for ourselves.
My biggest problem is not my friends and their successes (which are many as I have incredible friends) but the fact that I have trouble giving myself room to succeed. I project failure and rejection before it is even a reality and then make my own terrible dreams come true.
WELL, I AM DONE WITH THAT!!!
I am officially only going to use the following words in regards to myself: wonderful, successful, hard-working, in progress, sextastic, and hot.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Laundry and Leaders
I do my laundry at a laundromat three blocks away from my house and, because it is so close, I rarely hang out while my things are laundered, having faith that very few thieves are hefty enough or have girlfriends hefty enough to fit into my clothes. Last night, when I returned to pick up my dried clothes, a disheveled and slightly bloody man was reporting that he had been mugged while waiting for his clothes to dry. Apparently, the mugger had come in the back door of the building and tackled this poor man to the ground before dragging him outside and punching him repeatedly all the while shouting, "Give me all your money." The man had no money on him, but informed the mugger that his wallet was in his jacket inside the laundromat. The mugger ran back in the building, grabbed the jacket and took off down the block. And I think to myself My clothes were in the drier that whole time. It sounds petty, but what I mean is I could've been there. That could've been me.
It's strange, but yesterday, because of the election, because Americans banded together and elected Barack Obama president, I feel affected by the entire world. I suppose I always have been, but this election is the first time I made my own decision for whom to vote. I watched some of the debates, I read Obama's speeches and I decided that he was the person I wanted to be in the executive branch of the government. When I filled in the bubble next to his name I felt confident that I was making an informed decision, the decision I thought best for myself, the people I love and my country as a whole. And then when he won, my first thought was that I had a part in it, albeit a small one. My tiny little vote bubble, along with millions of other Americans', voted that man into office. I stayed up late (as did the rest of the country) to watch his acceptance speech and was surprised to find myself moved to tears, not by anything he said, but by his face as he walked to the podium. He looked heavy, aware of the gravity of his new role, vulnerable and slightly afraid. This is the way I would want my president to feel.
I think we forget, as Americans, that we are not invulnerable. On Tuesday, we exert our power in the political world, and then on Wednesday, a man doing his laundry gets beat up. We are powerful when we join together, but our power is limited. We, as a country, as human beings are hanging on by a thread. This is not to diminish the sheer awesomeness, hopefulness and joy that President Obama brings with him to the Oval Office, but we should take his example and understand the sheer weight of our role. Obama is an advocate for change, and with change comes the need for good, difficult work and with this comes risk and with risk comes an inevitable exposure of the most delicate parts of ourselves.
I am not going to stop doing laundry at my laundromat because that poor man was hurt. But I am going to try to be aware that at anytime, for any reason or no reason at all, things happen. I hope I can be gracious while watching President Obama govern our country, because, as he proved with just a look in his eyes, he is just a man. And thank god for it.
It's strange, but yesterday, because of the election, because Americans banded together and elected Barack Obama president, I feel affected by the entire world. I suppose I always have been, but this election is the first time I made my own decision for whom to vote. I watched some of the debates, I read Obama's speeches and I decided that he was the person I wanted to be in the executive branch of the government. When I filled in the bubble next to his name I felt confident that I was making an informed decision, the decision I thought best for myself, the people I love and my country as a whole. And then when he won, my first thought was that I had a part in it, albeit a small one. My tiny little vote bubble, along with millions of other Americans', voted that man into office. I stayed up late (as did the rest of the country) to watch his acceptance speech and was surprised to find myself moved to tears, not by anything he said, but by his face as he walked to the podium. He looked heavy, aware of the gravity of his new role, vulnerable and slightly afraid. This is the way I would want my president to feel.
I think we forget, as Americans, that we are not invulnerable. On Tuesday, we exert our power in the political world, and then on Wednesday, a man doing his laundry gets beat up. We are powerful when we join together, but our power is limited. We, as a country, as human beings are hanging on by a thread. This is not to diminish the sheer awesomeness, hopefulness and joy that President Obama brings with him to the Oval Office, but we should take his example and understand the sheer weight of our role. Obama is an advocate for change, and with change comes the need for good, difficult work and with this comes risk and with risk comes an inevitable exposure of the most delicate parts of ourselves.
I am not going to stop doing laundry at my laundromat because that poor man was hurt. But I am going to try to be aware that at anytime, for any reason or no reason at all, things happen. I hope I can be gracious while watching President Obama govern our country, because, as he proved with just a look in his eyes, he is just a man. And thank god for it.
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