A New Vocabulary

I have been going through a phase lately where, for some reason or another, I am jealous of everyone I know. Because they have more money than I do. Because they are thinner. Because they have a freer diet. Because they are not subject to debilitating periods of guilt and self-hatred. Because they are attractive. Because they have straight hair. Because they can accept things the way they are without judgment. Because they have a fitted wardrobe. Because they are going home for Thanksgiving. You name it, I am jealous of it.

Now, it is all well and good to tell your friends you feel jealous of them but the thing is that usually whatever you feel jealous of them for is something they can rationalize away. For example, I'm thinner because I work out more, I just am not as expressive about my self-hatred, I am NOT that attractive, I wish I had curly hair etc. So to tell a person you feel jealous of them, doesn't really make anyone feel any better. In fact, the other person looks like an idiot for not appreciating what they have, while you just feel enraged that they can have something so fantastic and not appreciate it.

But what my jealously comes down to is my own life. It doesn't really have anything to do with how my friends handle money or sex or beauty or food, but how I feel about how I handle these things. I perpetuate this terrible cycle in which everything I do amounts to absolutely nothing. There are people who have made better financial choices than me, but right now, I am piecing together the foundation of my adult relationship to money. I make less mistakes now than I did a year ago, and I am proud of this. And the real truth is, I find myself nice to look at and for all my flaws and failures, I am trying to be good and I think that, sometimes, this is all we can say for ourselves.

My biggest problem is not my friends and their successes (which are many as I have incredible friends) but the fact that I have trouble giving myself room to succeed. I project failure and rejection before it is even a reality and then make my own terrible dreams come true.

WELL, I AM DONE WITH THAT!!!

I am officially only going to use the following words in regards to myself: wonderful, successful, hard-working, in progress, sextastic, and hot.