Of Adulthood and Finances

As an adult, I am realizing that there are certain necessities that warrant the spending of a decent amount of money: i.e. haircuts, shoes with proper arch support, work clothes (because you've been wearing the same pair of black pants every other day for almost two weeks). We're not talking about the expensive purse buying or the excessive book and movie purchasing in which I have been known to indulge. I am talking about the basic effects that a person needs to be comfortable in this life. But unfortunately, while in my early twenties, I spent a spectacular amount of fake money on crap I didn't need hence acquiring a butt load of credit card debt that I never really paid attention to until the grand total equalled a poor man's yearly salary. 

I feel sometimes like my whole past is this debt, something I want to eradicate, but something I have to live with everyday, paying it off in small increments even though it was accrued over the course of only a couple of years. I feel like the good decisions I want to make for my life now (for example, shoes that I can stand in and walk in without hurting my feet or legs or back) are jaded by the decisions I made then. It would be nice to be able to spend $110 on a pair of really good shoes but can I really justify that in relation to my debt? 

The problem here is that the $110 I spent four years ago probably amounts to one quarter interest, a really expensive dinner at the Cheesecake Factory (which I have now realized is a TOTAL sham of a restaurant; if I wanted to consume 10,000 calories I would eat food that actually has taste versus that generic American bulk food they sell), and a night out drinking. And there it is. The shoes that would keep my knees from hurting I can't buy because I already spent that money 4 years ago on shitty food and a couple of drinks. 

I sometimes wish I could relive parts of my life with the knowledge I have now. I've been fat long enough  to have forgotten when it really became an issue and so there is no palpable regret there. Also, though the decisions I made then in regards to food haunt me in the way of stretch marks, cellulite and repressed sexuality, I have joined a weight loss group that allows me to micromanage my eating into weeks (even days when it feels especially hard), leaving very little room for shame. But money...

Even now, when I attempt to not spend needlessly, to return things I don't need or love, to spend more money at the grocery store and less at restaurants, I find I am having to choose between making good decisions now or paying for the decisions of my past. My relationship with money is such a delicate balance of letting go, holding on, releasing, forgiving, spending, returning and sometimes, just having to eat the shit I served myself. 

I want to buy good shoes. But someday I also want to be able to save to buy a house, and I can't do that until the credit card debt is paid off. But how much will the house mean if I fucked up my body wearing shitty shoes? If I had continued in the trend of my earlier blogs I would've called this one, "WANTED: Easy Answers." But unfortunately for my knees and my future home, I am pretty sure the easy type of answer doesn't exist.